


What Were You Thinking?

by Air_Is_Here



Category: Tom Clancy's Rainbow Six (Video Games)
Genre: Confusion, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Flashbacks, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Not Beta Read, Panic Attacks, Past Rape/Non-con, Self-Harm, The Author Regrets Nothing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-19
Updated: 2020-12-19
Packaged: 2021-03-10 19:55:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,006
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28162797
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Air_Is_Here/pseuds/Air_Is_Here
Summary: Mute remembers traumatic events during a mission. Mute was panicking. Everyone was confused. People are bad at picking up hints, and meanwhile, the author is projecting their life onto Mute because they have no self control and they main him.Essentially Mute is freaking out and the rest of the SAS is trying to help him, but everyone is unsure of what to do, and how to calm Mute down.Rated M for drug use, and rape. This is your trigger warning, and please listen to this warning, especially if you need it.
Relationships: No Romantic Relationship(s)
Comments: 3
Kudos: 17





	What Were You Thinking?

_ Unscathed.  _

Mark was left that way at the beginning of their weekly mission training, which they had to do so they could “polish” their skills as a team. He would try and blaze through it, as usual. He was defense, practicing on keeping biohazards safe from the “Attackers”. His team was split like always, into half attack and half defense. Mark hoped to stay that way throughout the mission. 

It was simple really. Protect the Biohazard container, block drone signals, and shoot the other team and “kill” them. It was just training, so the bullets wouldn’t do nearly as much damage. Mute had quite a few of these training. They would disappear right before missions so they could use training days to pack for a leave. 

They got the signal to start protecting. Mute put down his signal jammers, got into one place, and stayed put until the attackers would arrive. 

The rules of training here are simple. If you have the ability to disable one’s ability to fight and immobilize them using any means possible, go for it. Hit hard enough in the right areas with a gun, someone dies. Get close enough to twist their arms and break them, then they can’t fight back. You can kill someone trying hard enough, but the goal isn’t to kill, it’s to practice mock missions. Everyone was aware of this on their first day.

Finally, a bullet was shot. That led to many more. Mute aimed his gun to shoot the attacker, but wasn’t able to shoot a shot, as they were peeking from a doorway. He got up from a full laying position to crouch. Somewhere while he was doing that, a flashbang was thrown right next to him, flashbanging him. He fell backwards and covered his ears. Never, not even on a mission had a flashbang landed right next to him to the point where it was almost on his foot. 

Mute covered his ears. And slammed his eyes shut, dropping his gun in the process. He felt his heart rate speed up, and the ringing in his ears wouldn’t stop. It was so loud. He couldn’t hear the footsteps coming over to him. He felt hands tightly grip against his throat

Mute’s eyes opened as the person, now identified as a Recruit, gripped his neck. It was so bright for him still, and his ears were still ringing. Mute remembered something all of a sudden, something that he had forgotten about, something he repressed.

\-----------------------Flashback

_ 16, I was 16. It was a houseparty with my friend Vien. We were having a good time, lads being lads, smoking weed and talking about what we would do when we grew up. He was 18 at the time. He offered me some alcohol. He insisted I had a few sips. He pressured me into finishing the glass. He didn’t ever tell me what he put in the alcohol. After a few minutes he guided me to the couch.  _

_ “Haha- Why the couch?” I said, as I started feeling a numb feeling throughout my limbs. _

_ “It’s okay Mark. You can trust me mate.” Vien said. I tried moving to get up. My limbs wouldn’t work. Nothing moved. I felt funny.  _

_ “Vien I don’t think alcohol does this.” I said, fumbling my words. _

_ I looked down at Viens pants. He had a boner. I screamed. I had heard about this in health class, where they drug people for sexual favors by using drinks. They tell us to scream so people can come and help you. He grabbed my throat to shut me up. He didn’t let go of my throat, even when he was entering me, even when he pulled out. I couldn’t do anything but watch him do it. I couldn't even move. I just let him take my clothes off. _

_ He yelled at me, hit me, degraded me, and used me multiple times, and I couldn’t stop him. I wasn’t even close to, I couldn’t move. _

_ He finally let go when he was done using me. He put my pants back on, and then he kissed me on my lips. He stole my first kiss too. He left me on his couch for the night. I left in the morning and I never told anyone out of shame. How could I? Nobody would believe me, I was a man. Nobody would care. It would be my fault, why was I smoking with him? Why did I let him pressure me into drinking.? _

\----------------------------------------End flashback

Mute snapped out of the flashback, which was shorter than it seemed. Only about 30 seconds had passed. In a fight response he kicked him in the balls as hard as possible. He let go, and screamed, louder than he did that day. Smoke, who was two rooms over, came in and shot the recruit with a training bullet in the leg. Making it hard to get up and walk. Mute was hyperventilating, scared out of his damn mind. 

Another attacker came in, one who Mute couldn’t see because he was up against the wall, his vision blurry, as he was panicking. Smoke shot him 5 times, missing 2 shots, and the rest hitting the attacker. 

The intercom Spoke, “THE DEFENDERS, BLUE TEAM, WON THE TRAINING MISSION”. It didn’t help that Mute was still freaking out.

“Yo. Mark, training’s over now. We can go back to the main building and hang in the team dorm.” Smoke said in an aloof tone, which was soon wiped off after Mute didn’t reply.”

“Er- you want me to get Gustave? And uh… If you don’t know his name, he’s Doc. He’s probably getting ready to head back to his team. Y’know, you’re kinda freaking out.” Smoke tried again. 

Walking through the door, Sledge appeared. 

“Sledge, get Mike. We need him. Uh, Mark is kinda panicking.” Smoke said, and Sledge didn’t think twice before running out and grabbing Thatcher (Mike). 

“What do you guys need?” Thatcher said, and everyone pointed to Mute, who was hugging himself. Thatcher sighed and came closer.

“G-get back!” Mute yelled breathlessly, grabbing his pocket knife out. Now, Mike knew that Mute wouldn't do any serious harm, but he knew that the last thing Mute wanted was to be touched. Thatcher had seen this before, hell, he had dealt with it before, and it was most definitely a panic attack. 

“Mark, You have to take off your mask. You can’t do that if you are this shaken up. I have to come closer.” Thatcher explained. Mute didn’t put down the knife, but Thatcher could care less. It was just a panic attack, but for some reason Thatcher felt that if he didn’t do something it would be a bigger problem controlling later on. 

"No, no, please!" Mute murmured. He moved the knife towards his foot. Nobody was sure what he was trying to do. Thatcher moved forward and Mute cut himself right above his ankle, where a forest of scars hid. And then he did it again, tears spilling in his mask as he bit his lip.

"Holy fucking shit." Thatcher said. He knew that Mute was detached from whatever the hell went down, but he didn't think he would go as far as to compromise his own survival. A little too deep and Mute would have been severely injured. 

Smoke knew what Mute was trying to do. Mute was trying to calm down. He had never been an angry or irrational guy, he never had ever gotten like this in the time that everyone knew him, so the fact that he hurt himself to ground himself, essentially calming him down seemed alien to Smoke. He decided to run up to him and take his knife and throw it aside so he could pin his teammate down, which resulted in the pick up pace for Mute's breathing.

"Let go I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry" Mute gasped out. Thatcher came closer and Smoke let go of Mute, resulting in him curling into a ball. Thatcher came closer. He kneeled down to Mute's level.

"Mark. I'm gonna touch you. I have to take your mask off." Thatcher says calmly. He then proceeds to take his mask off carefully, making sure he didn't seem like a threat to his youngest teammate. 

After taking Mute's mask off, Thatcher rubs circles into his back. He didn't care if his mate was bleeding on him.

"I cant- I can't breathe!!!" Mute gasps out. He was shaking badly, he felt like he was dying of epilepsy and heart attack at the same time, yet neither in the end matched up. 

"Breathe Mark, in for 4, hold for 7, out for 4. Ready? Breathe with me." Thatcher said in a soft and calm tone. He too exaggerated breaths for Mute.

Mute pushed him away and off him. He slid himself back and up against the wall, gripping his hair.

With a long sigh, Thatcher decided it would be best if he had someone trained to deal with this stuff helping. “James, get Gustave. We might need medication or sedatives, it’s really up to him.” Smoke sighed, and then left to get Doc. All Thatcher had to do was make sure Mute didn’t pass out or freak out even more.

“Vien stop stop I’m sorry let go of me please get off, please.” Mute whispered. ‘ _ Who the hell is Vien?’  _ Mike thought. He now understood that whatever happened caused Mute to remember traumatic memories. From a distance, Thatcher watched over his teammate, telling him where he was, telling him he was safe, even if he wasn’t sure if Mute was listening.

Smoke walked in with Doc, who took one look at Mute and then came closer, Causing Mute to grip his hair tighter. Doc stepped back. He then turned to Thatcher.

“So, we essentially have two options for heavy situations like this. We could give him Vistaril, which is pretty generic and typically prescription, however we are required to keep some of it in case for situations like this. We could also use Benadryl instead of Vistaril if you guys would like, however it does take a bit longer to peak and kick in.” Doc says, and then pauses. “The other option is injection Sedatives. We have the generic medical grade ones which should put him to sleep pretty fast, however getting him to cooperate might be a hassle.”

Thatcher made his decision rather quickly. “ Yeah, Give him Vistaril. I have water on me if you don’t.” Doc nodded, and took out the bottle of Vistaril, putting one in his hand and grabbing the canteen from Thatcher.

“Mark, we will come closer. We won’t hurt you. You are safe. You are on training grounds.” Thatcher repeated, calmingly as him and Doc approached. Mute didn’t want them closer, but he couldn’t stop it. They reached up to him. Mute was shaking, but this time he didn’t push away Doc and Thatcher. He just let it happen. He let them get closer, but it was probably the fact that Mute was near passing out. Doc grabbed one pill, and handed it to Thatcher, who had his canteen out. Thatcher then moved next to Mute and crouched down, making sure he was eye to eye with him. Mute’s frantic eyes looked at him.

“Mark, open your mouth. We are gonna give you something so you can calm down a bit. It’s me, Thatcher.” he said, and then pushed his teammate’s jaw to open it. He then put the pill up against the wall of Mute’s mouth. He handed Mute the canteen, but still held onto it to make sure that the panicked man wouldn’t spill it. Mute chugged it in fear of choking, and he then dropped the canteen when he was done with it. It would take a few minutes to start to kick in, so Thatcher just stayed by Mute’s side.

“Mark, I won’t touch you more than I need to. You are on training grounds. We finished the Mock mission about 15 minutes ago. You are with me. I will not hurt you. You are safe.” Thatcher said.

“M-Mike? I feel like I’m dying oh god help- I can’t- I’m going to die!” Mute gasped out, still shaking a bit.

“No you won’t. Not on my watch. Breathe with me, okay? Breathe in…” Thatcher breathed exaggeratedly once more, and Mark tried breathing along, his breath shuddered. “Okay, now hold for 5.” They both held their breath. “Breath out.” and they both did. “Okay, now let's repeat that a few more times.” and they did.

“Fuck, I can breathe a bit, but my heart is pounding and I’m all shaky.” Mute said.

“While the Vistaril kicks in, mind telling us what caused this?” Doc said calmly. Mute shifted uncomfortably.

“Um, It’s unimportant. You would see me as less of a man if I told you anyways.” Mute says. 

“No, You are a part of the team. You got into Rainbow by yourself. You have seen some shit that nobody should have seen. Nothing would make you less of a man to us. You are a part of the team, the SAS. Now, what went down.” Thatcher said. Mute sighed. 

“I was 16, Me and my friend Vein, we normally hung out, smoked pot, yeah? Man, I can’t believe I’m admitting to that to my team that I smoked a bit of pot technically against the law, but it’s somewhat important to the events after. We normally sat around and talked. We talked about the future, sports, movies, hell, even some of our crushes.” Mute said, and then paused. “But that day, he brought some alcohol. At first he didn’t make me drink any of it. He didn’t drink any of it. He just kept it aside. After a bit he asked if I wanted some. I told him I was okay. He insisted that I’d try it. So I did. Soon enough I downed the full cup.” Mute’s throat started closing up, knowing he was closer to what happened.

“Breathe Mark. You’re a smart guy, and I’m sure you can get through this chat.” Thatcher said, and Mark took a sharp inhale, followed by an exhale.

“I felt strange. I felt a tingling numbness spreading through me, and it was becoming hard to move, I was going limp. Vien led me to the couch. He told me to trust him. I told him that I didn’t think alcohol did that. I looked down at his pant’s. He had an… well, a hard-on. I screamed. I knew what he was trying to do. He Grabbed my neck, choking me to shut up.” Mute stumbled through his words, and everyone looked solemn. “He unzipped his pants. He took my pants off with one hand on my throat too, and he used me for a quick few fucks. He didn’t even use a condom. He let go when he was done using me. He dressed me again, he dressed himself, and then he kissed me. He was also my first kiss. I didn’t think it was worth telling anyone. He was a man, I was a man, and people would judge me for smoking pot, asking why I was there in the first place, why I was stupid enough to get pressured into drinking.” 

When Mute finished talking, everyone stayed quiet. Thatcher looked upset and pissed at the same time.

“He RAPED you?” He roared out. Smoke and Sledge were shocked at the sudden outburst. “They raped you, and you were more worried about someone’s fucking opinions and judgement than to get law enforcement involved?”

“Mike, think about where he’s from. He would get Hate crimed and bullied because he was acting weak. Not only that, but if that degenerate was his plug, it could have also given him jail time.”

“I’m sorry.” Mute said. 

Thatcher blinked confusedly. “Don’t be. It wasn’t your fault he took advantage of you. The only thing you should be sorry for is hurting yourself to calm down. C’mon mate, it’s not that hard. You’re smarter than this. You can’t do that.”

“I know. I haven’t had an attack this bad in 4 months. Last one was because a recruit looked and sounded almost exactly like him. It's been 9 years, and it still haunts me.” Mark said.

“That’s pretty fair since you have been pushing it down and repressing it. But, I think it would be a better idea to not hurt yourself. Ah, you see, that could hurt you too badly and compromise future missions. Try bringing rubber bands or hair ties with you. And snap it against your wrist to take off the edge. I can bandage you up now, but on future missions I might not be able to.” Doc suggested. “And if you ever need to see me, for major things, even smaller things, go ahead. The way you put it, you make it seem like it’s sort of a once in a while thing, that when you get remembered of him, you freak out. You have no need for a medical discharge due to mental health, and if it gets worse we can prescribe you something. And hopefully it won’t turn into something you need to be medically discharged for.” 

“Thank you Doc. And thanks Mike. I’m sorry I kinda scared you a bit. That wasn’t very cool of me.” Mark said apologetically.

“It’s fine Mark. Now, let's get you bandaged up. Then we can all go get something to eat, and if not then we can all crash for the night. No need to fret. We got you. We aren’t mad.

“Thank you guys. I’m sorry-”

“Nuh-uh. Don’t wanna hear it Mark. You don’t have anything to be sorry for. Now let me bandage you up. After that I can go back to my France Squad and you guys can do whatever the hell, got it?” Gustave said

“Yeah, Got it.” Mark said, smiling. It felt good to get stuff off his chest.


End file.
